Sunday, January 30, 2011

When Will This Chapter End?

Well, I’m back in that writer’s block mode, and I’ve been here the past few weeks. Maybe it’s not really writer’s block, but a lack of motivation. I just can’t seem to get myself to put words to all the ideas floating around in my head. I guess I need to read my last entry again…So, since it’s been a while since I last posted, I thought I’d share something personal. This is some journaling I did about 2 years ago. It’s funny looking back at things I wrote. Part of me still feels the way I did, longing for a change of pace, but, at the same time, I feel like things have changed since then. The changes are just more gradual and inward instead of major changes in circumstances. Anyway, here it is:

I’ve got to hand it to all the great authors out there. They put words together in such amazing ways. Not only do they create great stories but they also create a mood, a feeling, a sense of adventure. I love the stories that just suck you right in and you just yearn to be there with the characters.  Sometimes reading those books isn’t a good thing for me. It makes my life seem so much more meaningless and purposeless when I know it really isn’t. I know God has some sort of purpose in my life, but the waiting is just killing me. I want something exciting to happen, something magical. I just wish I could have my own adventure, something novel-worthy. Not all the books I’ve read are fantasies with wizards and hobbits; I’ve read some realistic and historical fictions with situations that really could happen. Those stories really make me long for change in my life. Where’s my Mr. Darcy? I wish I could attend an old-fashioned 19th century ball, why is most of today’s dancing so horrible and sexual? And why do you always have to have a date if you want to dance?
Really, I do just want something different to happen to me, no more than that…something life-changing. Something that makes a major difference in my life that’s good. A change for the better. I just feel like I’m in an in-between place right now and it feels like I’ve been stuck here forever. When I graduated high school this is not the kind of life I pictured myself living at this point. I should be married, I should actually be doing a job that feels meaningful that I enjoy. After last year’s teaching experience, just the idea of going back to an elementary school makes me cringe. I know that it was my first year, and it was a kindergarten class in an inner-city school, but it’s still hard to completely convince myself that things could be different. And as for a husband, I only wish I had a slight hint of who or when, but it just seems so far away. I realize that things can happen fast; that major life-changing events can take place within a short time span. But, that still doesn’t make me feel any better about it right now. Obviously, I still have some kinks to work out and I know what some of them are. I know God wants me to be fully prepared, and I hope I will be and that my husband will also be ready for me. Maybe my story is not a great adventure, maybe it never will be…but it is my story and with God as the author, it will turn out exactly how it is supposed to. I guess I just need to take comfort in that.

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