Remedy for a Broken Heart

                I have considered writing about this many times, but I usually change my mind. Part of me feels like no one will really care. Part of me feels that no one will really understand. Part of me believes that my pain should be kept to myself because I do not want it to be burden on anyone else. But maybe, there is someone out there who does care, someone who does understand, or someone who needs to hear about my heartache to help them realize they are not alone. So, that is why I have chosen to share this in such a public manner.

                Here’s the short summary of my story: In November 2018, I met a man. He swooped me off my feet with his smile and his kind words. We flirted, we had deep conversations, we hung out and played cards, and most importantly, we did devotionals and prayed together. He helped me get through my parents’ divorce. I treasured his companionship and his insights. He was everything I wanted. There is so much more, but I won’t go into all the details. Then, around February and March of last year, he started cutting me out of his life. He stopped the devotions, he stopped inviting me over for cards, he took away the key he gave me to his house, he stopped responding to most of my texts, and he would often give me the cold shoulder when we saw each other in person. The worst thing about all of this is that we were never officially in a relationship, so I guess he felt he had the right to take everything away with no explanation, no closure, nothing. It’s like he took me on this amazing trip, then abandoned me in the middle of the desert with no map and no water. It breaks my heart all over again just thinking about it.

                I’m not asking for sympathy. I know I’m not the first person to feel this pain. I’ve gone through all the stages of grief multiple times. I can’t really say that I’m angry with him for breaking my heart into a thousand pieces, I did offer it freely to someone who never made a commitment to me. Be careful who you give your heart to, it’s not something you can just take back without scars. That is one lesson I have learned through all this. But, there is a more important lesson.

                A lot happened over the last year: heartbreak, family issues, work issues, and Covid, among other worldwide events. Through it all, there has been one, and only one, constant in my life. That is Jesus Christ, my Savior. When literally all else seemed lost, He was there. When I was crying my eyes out, face down in the floor, He was there. When I felt as though I would never find hope on this earth again, He was there. This has given all new meaning to the word, Emmanuel, which we often hear around Christmas. God with us. God with me. I would not be able to get up and go without God’s presence in my life. Under the circumstances, I could never find peace and hope on my own, but He has truly granted a peace beyond understanding within me. Yes, I have my up and down days, but I will keep pressing on because I know that I am not alone.

“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8 NIV

IWSG: October 2018

Time for another posting with the Insecure Writer’s Support Group, where writers can share their insecurities and encourage one another. IWSG was founded by Alex J. Cavanaugh and we share our posts on the first Wednesday of the month.

I feel as though my months have been going up and down with writing. One day, I feel motivated and actually write things, and the next day, my creativity seems to be lost. I really do not know what happened to September. It came in quickly and was gone before I even looked up. I guess I had a lot going on my days off. I sincerely apologize to those who I did not visit back last month. I try to do most of my blog visits on my days off, because I’ve been burnt out with my job and do not have the mental/social energy on work days. I had the first Thursday of September off, but I had to take my mom to the doctor and we ended up shopping all day afterwards. By the following week, I felt guilty and it seemed like it was “too late” for IWSG visits. I'll be honest that one of my biggest insecurities is my lack of correspondence skills. Combine that with years of procrastination experience, and I certainly am a well of insecurity, although sometimes I won’t realize it until tomorrow. ;)

The question for October is How do major life events affect your writing? Has writing ever helped you through something?

It depends on the event. If it is something really happy and exciting, my writing will be in short and sweet bursts. I’ll write sentence-long descriptions to remind myself of the moment later. I do not write a lot as those types of events occur, but I do sometimes (not as often as I would like) reflect back on what happened and write afterwards. Exciting events, such as my vacations to London and Florida, inspire most of my creative visuals of worlds and characters. When sad things happen, I tend to write during the events. This relates to the second part of this month’s question, because I write to help work through all the depressed and confused emotions I may be feeling. Most of my nonfictional writing (devotions, prayers, and journaling) and some poetry is written during sad or disappointing times. I have a lot of those nonfictional writings I wish I could utilize, but they require quite of bit of revisions in order to make them presentable. Maybe instead of starting a new journal entry, I should rewrite something during my next disappointing moment.

IWSG: Clearing Clutter, Changing Goals, and D&D

Time for another posting with the Insecure Writer’s Support Group, where writers can share their insecurities and encourage one another. IWSG was founded by Alex J. Cavanaugh. We usually share our posts the first Wednesday of the month, but since the U.S. Fourth of July holiday is on Wednesday this year, we are posting on Tuesday. July’s optional question is: What are your ultimate writing goals, and how have they changed over time (if at all)?

June went a little better than May for me, but I still have a lot of catching up to do in nearly every area of my life. It seems as though I will not be able to fully concentrate on my writing until I start clearing away the clutter around me. Not just concrete things like clothes and desk supplies (although those are on the list), but also digital clutter with emails and organizing files, and clearing my head of distractions and negativity. It has been a long, difficult process, and I feel as though circumstances keep trying to pull me backwards, but I must keep moving forward.

As for my goals, they have adjusted themselves over time. I still would like to write my non-fiction “quiet book” someday, but organizing those thoughts and ideas into meaningful words has proved harder than I thought it would be. I feel like I would have to change to a better, less stressful day job in order to give that project the attention it requires. I have recently grown fond of writing short stories and even a little flash fiction. I hope to get a short story published within the next few years. I have been tweaking and adding to my fantasy story entry from the 2016 IWSG anthology contest. My friend and her husband inadvertently helped me with it a couple weeks ago. ~ Warning: The next sentence will reveal just how much of a nerd I truly am. ~ They started a sort of Dungeons and Dragons role-playing story and invited me to join, so I decided to use one of my fantasy story characters. We are not following the typical D&D rules, but I think this will be an entertaining verbal storytelling experience. I highly recommend it for fantasy writers!

I guess I distracted myself from the initial question. My ultimate goal, under my current circumstances, is to publish at least one book. If I ever manage to obtain my dream job of being a stay-at-home wife and mother, I may be able to publish more (maybe). Under better day job circumstances, another goal of mine would be to write weekly devotional blog posts similar to the ones I used to write when I started this blog. So, to better my writing, I need to broaden my search to find a better job, or get married (lol 😄).

To my United States followers: Happy Independence Day!

IWSG: Place Generic Title Here

Time for another posting with the Insecure Writer’s Support Group, where writers can share their insecurities and encourage one another. IWSG was founded by Alex J. Cavanaugh and we share our posts the first Wednesday of the month.

May was a rough month for me. My dad had surgery to remove cancer from his prostate on May 4, and then ended up in the hospital for an extra week due to various issues. So, for eight out of the ten days he was there, I was driving back and forth with my mom, who can’t drive herself, to the hospital (70 miles away from home). By the grace of God and the prayers of many friends from church, we survived that ordeal. It was a relief to finally get settled back at home, but half the month was gone and I was exhausted. Going back to work after all that was very difficult for me, especially since there have been some changes with staff and scheduling the last few weeks. Needless to say, writing was not on the agenda last month. Although, I did write a rather lengthy letter to a friend, but I have not sent it yet because I felt like it needed some editing. So, it’s good to know my writer's brain is still working.☺

Sorry that I don’t have much to say related to writing; I’ve been too tired to be insecure. I do have some thoughts on the optional question this month, which is: What's harder for you to come up with, book titles or character names?

Without a doubt, titles are my weakness. I usually struggle with finding titles for my blog posts and short stories. I don’t even like the title of this blog, but after all these years, I can’t seem to come up with anything to change it to! That’s why I just use my name for my Facebook page and Twitter. I probably overthink it. I feel like the title needs to be something all-encompassing, witty, and meaningful, all in a handful of words. Most of the time, when I spend too long thinking about it, I end up giving up and picking something that feels generic. There are only a few titles I’ve used that I thought were clever, and the rest were rather lame. Character names are a bit easier. I sometimes have trouble initially, but I usually find a name that works. I feel like most of my characters embody their names very well. 

Flashback Friday: Flying Against the Wind

             **It's the last Friday of the month, so it's time for Flashback Friday! Participants repost an old post that needed more attention, that you're very proud of, that you think is still relevant, etc. It was hosted by Michael G D'Agostino, but he has opted out. You can still find a list of previous and current participants on his blog.
            You know, while I did decide not to participate in the A to Z Challenge this year, I did not necessarily intend on taking nearly the entire month away from blogging, but that's what happened this month. This post from October 30, 2011 seemed appropriate for my state of mind lately. It often seems that time is against me, but April has not been entirely unproductive. I got some reading done, from both informational and fictional books, and I finally conquered a huge organizational project that has been on my to do list for over a year. Anyway, that's enough current news, now it's time to flashback.**
        

Flying Against the Wind

           One windy day, as I was sitting in my car on my lunch break, I saw a dragonfly. This particular dragonfly was determined to fly against the wind. It flapped its little wings as fast as it could. I watched as it flew forward a few feet, only to be pushed back by a gust of wind, over and over again. It kept going, even when its efforts only kept it in one place for a few seconds. I don't know if that dragonfly ever reached its destination, but I do know that it wasn't about to let a little wind change its course.

            Sometimes life is like that. You try as hard as you can, but something is always putting up a resistance. Sometimes you can't seem to get past a certain point, like you're suspended in mid-air, and, sometimes, you get pushed back to where you started. When this happens, you probably feel like giving in and just letting the current take you away. Instead, you should learn a lesson from the dragonfly: Don't give up. When the struggles and pressures of life try to push you backwards, push back. Life wasn't meant to be easy, and pushing against the wind helps us to grow stronger. Remember that if you know Jesus, you are not alone in your flight. He is there to help you along and lead you back to the right path if the wind gets you off course. God is there when you feel over taken: "But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." (Isaiah 40:31) Aren't the wings of an eagle so much stronger then those of a dragonfly? Also, remember that God has the power to stop the wind: "And He arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm." (Mark 4:39) So, just keep flying, and remember the dragonfly when the wind blows against you.



Pixabay.com

Not This Time

            I must sadly say that I will not be participating in the A to Z Challenge this year.  :(
I put a lot of thought into this decision and I even started working on some posts, but I realized that I do not have the time for it this year. Any of my regular followers would know that I have been struggling with keeping things balanced the last few months, and since I’m still trying to manage my schedule, I know that I will not have the energy to keep up with daily blog visits and comments during the challenge.

Speaking of time and balance, my presence has not been felt in the blogging force very often lately and for this I apologize. There have been some things that have come up in the foreground of my life, both good and bad, that have taken precedence over blogging. Most of February and on into March, sicknesses have plagued my local area. The pharmacy has been bustling with endless cold and flu patients, schools canceled classes in February due to the flu, my church has had some low attendance days, and both of my parents have suffered from some congestion issues. I blame the weather. It has constantly gone up and down in temperature. On more than one occasion, yesterday's low was tomorrow's high. This instability has plagued my sinuses and I'm sure it has caused these adverse effects in others as well. Come to think of it, maybe the weather is part of the reason for my fatigue and exhaustion these past couple months. Although, I think the strain of extra patients at work has been the primary reason. I have been drained of mental reasoning and motivational energy most days. In fact, I fell asleep at 10:30 a high number of nights for this night owl, and when you get home from work around 7:30 some days, that doesn't leave much room for anything else besides dinner, de-stressing, and getting ready for bed. 

But it hasn't been all illness, fatigue, and canceled challenge plans. I am in the process of finally finishing up some courses and tutorials over a new writing-related project I decided to try out months ago. I still have some kinks to work out, but once I get it going I will be happy to share it with you. For now, it shall remain a secret! I also hope to work on getting more blog posts written in advance since I’ll have more time than I initially expected next month. Sometime this week, I will make some visits to see what themes my blogging friends are doing, and I still plan to follow some during the challenge.

Are you participating in A to Z this year? If so, I might go visit your theme reveal and I hope you have fun!

Flashback Friday: Witnessing a Miracle

            **It's the last Friday of the month, which means it's time for Flashback Friday. Participants repost an old post that needed more attention, that you're very proud of, that you think is still relevant, etc. It was hosted by Michael G D'Agostino, but he has opted out. You can still find a list of previous and current participants on his blog. It has now been two years since the accident I mentioned in this post and Victoria's progress continues to astound me.**

 

 

Witnessing a Miracle (previously posted February 25, 2016)

“Pray without ceasing.” 1 Thessalonians 5:17 (KJV)



Victoria, Sam, Aleigh and Lucas with their parents and grandparents

 

            This past Sunday, February 21, 2016 marked one year since Victoria Turner, two of her siblings, and her maternal grandparents were in a terrible car accident. Today Victoria, or Tori, as she’s often called, is a living, breathing miracle. I have shared her story before, but I haven’t given an update for a while. So, I thought I would share my own personal reflections of those months last year.

On February 14, 2015, I had the privilege of babysitting my friend’s three precious children while she was with her husband at our church’s sweetheart banquet. I absolutely adore her kids and consider them like family. One week later, late in the evening, those three children were in a terrible car accident with their maternal grandparents. The middle daughter, Aleigh, and grandparents were fine (which was a miracle in and of itself), but the oldest son, Samuel, and youngest daughter, Victoria, were critically injured. Samuel had a fractured ankle and pelvis and Victoria had multiple skull fractures and brain injuries; they didn’t think she was going to make it. When I heard the news the following morning at church I was struck with such a sense of hopelessness and concern. I had just held Tori and read to her the previous week, what was I to do? There wasn’t anything I could do except pray. So that is what I and my church did.     

Samuel was released within a couple weeks, but Victoria took a turn for the worst. She got pneumonia due to her weakened immune system, and had to be put on life support. So, in the weeks following we continued to pray for this precious two-year-old. There were so many ups and downs during those critical weeks when many people, including myself, checked the Facebook page repeatedly throughout the day hoping for good news. Eventually, the miracle we were praying for came and Victoria survived! After months of therapy, a transfer to a hospital closer to home, and slowly being weaned off the oxygen support, Tori was finally able to return home in June. One of many amazing things about all of this is that during her time on life support, the doctors were not able to treat her skull fractures, but when they finally took an x-ray they found that the fractures had healed on their own and no additional surgery was necessary.

This picture was taken the day I went with Victoria, her mom and little brother to her check-up
 

She is still undergoing speech therapy, but she communicates her needs fairly well with her limited vocabulary. I have had some opportunities to observe her at play, I even got to let her sit in my lap and read to her again, and I think she seems just as bright and eager to learn as ever. I was watching her run and play with another three-year-old at church the other day and every time she laughed or smiled I was reminded of what a miracle and a testimony her young life has already been to so many people.

My church was strengthened in prayer during that time. We came together as one body and the power of prayer was shown in a way that most of us will never forget. And we were not alone. The church has somewhere between 200 and 300 members, but the Pray for Tori and Sam Facebook page has over 9000 likes. It amazes me that so many people beyond our church were willing to pray and show support for Victoria and her family, and all of those lives were impacted by this tragedy. Prayer is powerful, but things may not always turn out the way we want them to. Even if things had gone the other way with Tori, her parents said they would still believe that God works out the good in all things. Of course, it is better to always be in prayer, whether we are in the midst of disaster or delight, but as incomplete works in progress, we probably lapse in our prayer time once in a while, especially if things are going smoothly.  Just remember that God is always just a prayer away and He wants to hear all of your needs, your desires, your worries, your fears, your praise, and your worship.

 

 

 

You can find more information about Victoria's journey on the Pray for Tori and Sam Facebook page, and the pictures I shared in this post are from that page.

Flashback Friday: A Mysterious Case of Spots

            **It's the last Friday of the month, which means it's time for Flashback Friday. Participants repost an old post that needed more attention, that you're very proud of, that you think is still relevant, etc. It was hosted by Michael G D'Agostino, but he has opted out. You can still find a list of previous and current participants on his blog. I skipped FF last month because of the holidays, but I still enjoy sharing my old posts. I almost feel as though I was a better writer five years ago than I am today. This post is from June 30, 2011. I think I need to take my own words to heart and slow down, cherish the small things, and get reacquainted with the pleasures of writing.**

A Mysterious Case of Spots

 

            You know, God really does work in mysterious ways sometimes, or at least amusing ways. The other day, I was in a rush all day long. I rushed to get ready for work, I rushed to work, I rushed at work, I rushed at lunch, I rushed home after work, and I rushed to get ready for a church camp meeting. As I was driving to the church camp, I glanced down at my knee to adjust my skirt and I saw these 3 big brown spots that weren’t there that morning. Being the worrywart that I am, all these crazy thoughts came rushing through my head: “What are those? Are they blood clots, have I been standing too much? Are they moles from being in the sun too long? Did I get blood blisters from running into something? What did I run into? That leg has been feeling kind of funny today, when was the last time I looked at it?” I said a prayer and hoped to God that it wasn’t anything serious. Well, those spots preoccupied my mind as the camp kids played games and sang songs, but I finally calmed down a little when the preacher started his sermon. As soon as I got home, I had to investigate those spots so I could determine my fate. I looked up and down my leg and found 2 more spots on the bottom of my foot. Then, I sat on my bed and pulled my knee close: “Hmm, those spots are raised, they must be moles…” I rubbed one and it started coming off, then it hit me…It was chocolate! In my rush between work and the camp service I had grabbed a half-melted energy bar and was eating it as I was changing. The melted chocolate had flaked off and got squished onto my skin. I am glad I didn’t ask anyone else for prayer that night, but I guess I did need prayer for my mental state.

            As funny and embarrassing to admit as that is, it really did make a few good points. First of all, I was reminded that I shouldn’t worry so much. Sadly, that is not the first time (and probably not the last) that I invented some horrendous scenarios in my head only to find that there was a perfectly reasonable explanation to my object of worry. When I was a teenager, I used to worry all the time if someone in my family was gone and got home late. I’ve imagined car accidents, fires, thieves, bridges collapsing, etc. and usually I would find out they just made an extra stop or there was a lot of traffic. I was reminded of Luke 12:25-26, which says, “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?” In other words, worrying isn’t going to get me anywhere, so I might as well leave everything in God’s hands.

            Another thing those spots reminded me of is the need to slow down. The only reason I got them in the first place is because I was rushing around all day. I can still get things done without working myself up into a frenzy. Sometimes we just need to take a break, enjoy the scenery, and just savor the moment. I know I usually end up ignoring the most important things when I get too busy. I’m always trying to get everything done on my never-ending to-do list, and I can’t seem to give up even just 15 minutes for what really matters. I don’t leave enough time for prayer and Bible study, a phone call to my best friends, a chat with my mom, or even playing with my cats and dogs (they’re family too). Those are the things that my time should revolve around instead of meaningless repetitive tasks. I think of the story of Martha and Mary in Luke 10. Jesus told Martha in verse 41-42: “you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” Mary chose to stop and listen to Jesus instead of trying to take care of all the busywork, and I guess I should take a time out once in while, too.

            Finally, I was reminded that sometimes something that looks bad is actually something good. I thought some chocolate was a disease. Circumstances can be the same way, they may seem bad as you’re going through them, but they can end up being blessings in disguise. “We know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28). So, the next time you’re feeling over-stressed, way too rushed, or worried beyond control: slow down, take a deep breath, and repeat after me, “Dear Lord, please heal my chocolate!”

Flashback Friday: Fiery Trials

            **This post is a part of the Flashback Friday series. Participants use the last Friday of each month to repost an old post that needed more attention, that you're very proud of, that you think is still relevant, etc. It is hosted by Michael G D'Agostino at A Life Examined. I wrote this post exactly 4 years ago on September 30, 2012, and it only got 2 views, so I thought it should be resurfaced.**

Fiery Trials

 

            Do you ever get the feeling that you've been outdone by someone else?  Maybe that's not exactly the right way to phrase it...Has there ever been a time that you have felt down-in-the-dumps depressed and then you come across a story or some news that is far worse than what you are going through?  When you hear about someone whose life is harder than yours, do you feel upset with yourself for feeling down about your own situation?  Or maybe it's the opposite: Do you ever feel like other people have it too easy and barely have any problems?  Of course, there are many different levels of pain both emotionally and physically and each of us handles things differently, so I guess we can't really put our trials on a scale. 

            God knows everything about us, so He knows what we can and cannot handle.  Maybe, when you are in the midst of the fire, you may not feel like you will make it through the flames.  But, if you call out to God for help, He will not let the flames completely consume you.  He discerns and assesses your situation and knows exactly how much oxygen you have left and when to pull you out.  I've heard it said in church that God uses the trials in life to refine us.  Just like pottery, we have to go through the fire to become a finished piece.  1 Peter 1:6-7 says, "In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.  These have come so that your faith -- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire -- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." 

            Christians will all go through trials and tests of their faith.  I'm speaking to myself when I say there is absolutely no reason for us to compare our troubles to one another.  Each person is unique and struggles with different things.  Romans 12:15 says, "Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep."  So, instead of trying to judge what seems fair or who is better off, we should just be encouraging and comforting to one another regardless of our own situation.  And when you feel like the flames are surrounding you, just remember all the blessings God has given you. 

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail."

-Lamentations 4:11

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

-James 1:2-4

Flashback Friday: Fasten Seatbelts, Please

**This post is a part of the new Flashback Friday series. Participants use the last Friday of each month to repost an old post that needed more attention, that you're very proud of, that you think is still relevant, etc. It is hosted by Michael G D'Agostino at A Life Examined. This post from November 15, 2010 really struck a chord for me with how my life has been the past few months.**

 

 

 

Fasten Seatbelts, Please

 

 “Be still and know that I am God.” Those words from Psalm 46:10 have always made an impact in my life, and most of the time I never realized it. I can’t remember when I first learned that verse, but it has come back to me at many of the toughest points of my life. Over the past few years, the impact of those words and their meaning has impressed itself upon me. It usually happens when I start getting worked up and worried. I over-think everything going on in my life and start asking all those “why,” “how,” and “what if” questions. I finally drive myself to a state of total confusion and frustration, and that’s when God reminds me of His Word. He said, “Be still.” Calm down, breathe, let go of those anxious thoughts. And here’s the best part: “Know that I am God.” No matter what I’m going through, whatever is troubling me, God is there. He knows everything that is going on, and He is in control. Knowing that really does bring me back to a sense of peace and comfort. Here’s another way I look at it: I have no idea how to fly a plane. I could sit in the cockpit and mess with all the buttons and knobs, but I doubt I’d get anywhere without a real pilot in control. Life can be the same way sometimes. It’s better to sit back and enjoy the ride instead of trying to rush to the front of the plane and fly it myself at the first sign of turbulence. I just got to trust that my pilot (God) knows what He’s doing and I could really crash and burn if I try to take matters into my own hands.

            There are times when we become overwhelmed or fed up with the circumstances we’re in and frustration and worry begin to overthrow our emotional state. If we remain in this state of imbalance, where anger or depression rules, we can end up making rash decisions, saying things we don’t mean, or worse, becoming apathetic toward God. I’ve been there, and believe me, it is much better to capture these thoughts before they lead you down the road of depression and self-pity. So, with God’s help, I remind myself of the words He gave us to comfort us and bring us peace in the midst of trials. There are many verses in the Bible that talk about dealing with trials because the authors of those words had trials, fears, and worries just like us. Here are some other verses that have been particularly meaningful to me in times of trouble:

*"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10)

*"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." (Proverbs 3:5-6)

*“Cast all your cares (anxiety) on Him because He cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:7)

*“But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed.” (James 1:6)

*“In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9)

The Struggle Continues

 

            Well, I thought I had more to say on my Struggle is Real post, but after reading it over again, I think there is not much more I could say on the subject beyond what I already said in that post and others like this one. I’m not sure where my train of thought was heading, but it’s gone now. That happens to me a lot in writing and speaking. I think I’m going somewhere and then my train of thought disappears entirely, sometimes right in the middle of my sentence! Like I said in that previous post, I have been distracted and demotivated by work, so I'm sure that's a factor in my inability to focus. I have also been trying to get some things done around the house over the past week and my internet connection has been very slow at times. I will try to sit down and make some blog visits eventually when I am ready for a lesson on patience (as I wait for pages to load), but my chores are calling me right now. For now, here are recent pictures of my lazy cats and a beautiful peacock I saw at the Renaissance Festival last month.

 

 

Verses for the week: "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (NIV)



The Struggle is Real

            Well, it’s time to come out of hiding and return to the world of blogging. I have been procrastinating this post because I felt a little guilty for not making any visits since the A to Z Reflections posts. I wanted to and I even read a few posts on my phone without leaving a comment because my phone makes commenting too complicated. I have been a little burnt out from my job and the overall lack of sleep in April. I was just going to post a quick update with some pictures today, but I felt compelled to go a little deeper. I gained a few new followers (if you’re still following after my hiatus) during the A to Z Challenge and I thought I would tell you a little bit about myself and this blog. This should be a little different even for those who have been following me longer.

            Lately, I have been dealing with some struggles. Even before the challenge, I was having trouble balancing things in my life. I am a procrastinator and a night owl, which leads to many late nights, which in turn, leads to a zombie-like wakeful state. I am also an introvert and most likely struggle from undiagnosed social anxiety. I work in a retail pharmacy, which is definitely not a good job for someone with my disposition. When I get off from work, my energy levels are nearly drained and it is hard to find motivation to do anything at all until I unwind for two to three hours. By that time, I should go to sleep, but as a night owl, I try to get some things done, which inhibits my sleep and the cycle begins again.  I like to put thought into my posts and my comments on others’ posts, and that usually comes in the moments of higher energy or on my days off from work. My blog has the word “random” in the title for a reason. There are just times when my thoughts get all mangled during the course of the day and I still feel the need to get a post up, so it ends up being pictures or something very short and not as well-worded as I would like it to be.

            In the midst of all this, there is still one thing that remains constant in my life, and that is the presence of God. I may not always mention Him in my posts, but God is the one who keeps me stable when everything else seems to be in chaos, and He is constantly working in my life. Even with my issues in balancing time, I have managed to keep up with the reading the Bible in one year program I started in January. I can only attribute that to God prodding me to keep at it, although there were times when I was not paying enough attention to what I was reading and I still do not pray as often as I should. Before I joined the blogging community through the A to Z Challenge last year, most of my posts were about the lessons God was teaching me in my life. At that time, I only posted once a month, but I did put more thought into those posts. With my decision to post once a week, I do not always find the time to write the thought-provoking devotionals I used to, but I still have a long list of ideas for those types of posts. So, I am hoping to get back into writing posts about what God is teaching me at least once a month.

Baby Sawyer was so little :)

Wow! I guess I took too long of a break! I have more I could write, but I think this post is long enough and it is getting late (procrastination strikes again). I will probably continue this train of thought at a later date. Until then, I will try to set aside some time this afternoon for visiting (with comments) and I will be back here next Wednesday with the monthly Insecure Writer's Support Group post.

Witnessing A Miracle

“Pray without ceasing.” 1 Thessalonians 5:17 (KJV)



Victoria, Sam, Aleigh and Lucas with their parents and grandparents

 

            This past Sunday, February 21, 2016 marked one year since Victoria Turner, two of her siblings, and her maternal grandparents were in a terrible car accident. Today Victoria, or Tori, as she’s often called, is a living, breathing miracle. I have shared her story before, but I haven’t given an update for a while. So, I thought I would share my own personal reflections of those months last year.

On February 14, 2015, I had the privilege of babysitting my friend’s three precious children while she was with her husband at our church’s sweetheart banquet. I absolutely adore her kids and consider them like family. One week later, late in the evening, those three children were in a terrible car accident with their maternal grandparents. The middle daughter, Aleigh, and grandparents were fine (which was a miracle in and of itself), but the oldest son, Samuel, and youngest daughter, Victoria, were critically injured. Samuel had a fractured ankle and pelvis and Victoria had multiple skull fractures and brain injuries; they didn’t think she was going to make it. When I heard the news the following morning at church I was struck with such a sense of hopelessness and concern. I had just held Tori and read to her the previous week, what was I to do? There wasn’t anything I could do except pray. So that is what I and my church did.     

Samuel was released within a couple weeks, but Victoria took a turn for the worst. She got pneumonia due to her weakened immune system, and had to be put on life support. So, in the weeks following we continued to pray for this precious two-year-old. There were so many ups and downs during those critical weeks when many people, including myself, checked the Facebook page repeatedly throughout the day hoping for good news. Eventually, the miracle we were praying for came and Victoria survived! After months of therapy, a transfer to a hospital closer to home, and slowly being weaned off the oxygen support, Tori was finally able to return home in June. One of many amazing things about all of this is that during her time on life support, the doctors were not able to treat her skull fractures, but when they finally took an x-ray they found that the fractures had healed on their own and no additional surgery was necessary.

This picture was taken the day I went with Victoria, her mom and little brother to her check-up
 

She is still undergoing speech therapy, but she communicates her needs fairly well with her limited vocabulary. I have had some opportunities to observe her at play, I even got to let her sit in my lap and read to her again, and I think she seems just as bright and eager to learn as ever. I was watching her run and play with another three-year-old at church the other day and every time she laughed or smiled I was reminded of what a miracle and a testimony her young life has already been to so many people.

My church was strengthened in prayer during that time. We came together as one body and the power of prayer was shown in a way that most of us will never forget. And we were not alone. The church has somewhere between 200 and 300 members, but the Pray for Tori and Sam Facebook page has over 9000 likes. It amazes me that so many people beyond our church were willing to pray and show support for Victoria and her family, and all of those lives were impacted by this tragedy. Prayer is powerful, but things may not always turn out the way we want them to. Even if things had gone the other way with Tori, her parents said they would still believe that God works out the good in all things. Of course, it is better to always be in prayer, whether we are in the midst of disaster or delight, but as incomplete works in progress, we probably lapse in our prayer time once in a while, especially if things are going smoothly.  Just remember that God is always just a prayer away and He wants to hear all of your needs, your desires, your worries, your fears, your praise, and your worship.

 

 

 

You can find more information about Victoria's journey on the Pray for Tori and Sam Facebook page, and the pictures I shared in this post are from that page. I have also written these posts about her: Prayer, Encouraging Updates, and Victory in Jesus.

Imbalanced Interview

I was searching the internet for blogging prompts, and I came across this page that I thought was fairly appropriate for my current situation. This Blogher Writing Lab had a theme of balance for the month of January and they had a prompting question for each weekday. I decided instead of using each question as a prompt for an entire post, that I would just give short answers to a select handful of the questions on the imbalances within my life. I also apologize for my absence in commenting during the last week, it was another one of those off-weeks for me, hence the perfection of finding these questions about balance :)

Do you think you have a decent work/life balance?

No, I think if I could work part time, I would achieve a lot more in what I actually want to do, like writing, sewing, and organizing the house. And financially, working part time would still be reasonable for me, if only my manager would agree to it…

What helps you stay focused on work while you're at work or home while you're at home?

Honestly, when I’m at work, I’m usually thinking about being home. But my job is just a job, it is not a career that requires projects or meetings to prepare for. One of the few good things about my job is that I can leave without having to worry about “homework.”

Do you feel you have to be available at all times? How has this affected your down time?

I think I may lean too much in the opposite direction. I feel the need for a lot of down time and turn down invitations more often than not.

Do you set conscious limits with your personal screen time in order to balance the online and offline world?

Oddly enough, I do set conscious limits on my Facebook time, but not really in other areas of the internet, such as blogging (in which I’ve developed a sort of all or nothing habit) or YouTube, Buzzfeed, etc. (where I spend entirely too much unmonitored time).

If time and money wasn't an object, what would be your chosen form of exercise?

I would swim all the time if I had a huge, indoor pool with a diving board and a slide. I would also like to go canoeing or kayaking on a regular basis.

Do you prefer to work out alone or with a friend?

I would definitely prefer to run with a friend, but I don’t mind cardio alone.

How do you balance taking care of your health with all the other stressors of life?

I do not balance out my own health as much as I should. I think about it once in a while when I buy groceries or choose not to eat out. I have been slacking off on running and I should probably consider signing up for a 5k again. When it comes to my spiritual health, I find that starting the day with prayer and Bible study helps me to feel better throughout the day.

“So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.” 1 Corinthians 10:31 (NIV)

“Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.” Ephesians 5:15-17 (NIV)

IWSG: Excuses, Excuses

 

            Time for another posting with the Insecure Writers Support Group, where writers can share their insecurities and encourage one another. IWSG was founded by Alex J. Cavanaugh and we share our posts the first Wednesday of the month. The co-hosts this month are:  Allison Gammons, Tamara Narayan, Eva E. Solar, Rachel Pattison, and Ann V. Friend.  

 

            Honestly, I have not really been thinking much about writing a book or even short stories this last month. I know, I know I was so goal-oriented in January’s post, but then I was sick, and then work got really hectic leaving me stressed and entirely too tired. This is becoming my biggest obstacle. I’m a procrastinator by nature, and since there is no deadline for my unwritten book ideas, I continue to put them off. Setting my own deadlines doesn’t really help unless I get other people involved. That’s why I managed to participate in the A to Z Challenge after a long hiatus from blogging and why I continue to post monthly for the Question of the Month and IWSG. I can do those because I’m signed up on a list and other people are expecting my posts. Of course, a book is a lot longer than a blog post and that is where all the excuses start rolling in. My job is an obstacle because it severely drains my mental and creative energy. I don’t search for short story contests with the deadlines I need and I think part of me is afraid to hold myself accountable to someone else for an entire book.

 

Maybe I am being too hard on myself: I just looked back at last month’s IWSG post, and I did say my first goal was to set more time aside for writing, which I actually have done. I’ve mostly been writing reflections and notes from my daily devotional reading, but any writing is better than no writing. I have also been getting excited about this year’s A to Z Challenge and I have been doing some research for me letters, which I think can also count toward my writing time because it’s a part of the preparation process :) I am taking a “staycation” in a couple weeks, so I hope that can help revive my creative juices and rework my writing goals.

Blurry Week and A to Z Challenge

                I must say that I have no idea where the last week went! Work has been exceptionally stressful with a constant stream of patients and new year insurance changes. The only day I had away from work since my last post was Sunday and I feel as though the entire week has completely escaped in a blur. I even fell asleep before 11:00pm one night, and that is early for this night owl. On top of that, I just announced my Wednesday postings because of having Tuesdays off to write and then a coworker needed to trade with me for Thursday this week. It’s almost ironic! But, I'm posting nonetheless.

I had a really great idea for today’s post on Tuesday morning and I was sorting out the details in my head on the way to work. The problem was that work came between my idea and getting home to write it out. I forgot some of my points and lost the direction I wanted to take with it, so I hope the rest of that idea will come back to me, but it’s not going to make it for this post. I guess as foolish as it may feel, I probably should start voicing my thoughts to my phone’s recorder.

 

 

Back to this month’s theme of goals: in the midst of the chaos, I managed to officially sign up for the Blogging From A to Z April Challenge. The list opened on Monday and I signed up at about 2:30pm CST and I was #251, and the last time I checked there were 377 blogs signed up! It amazes me how many people participate and the hosts do an amazing job at maintaining and promoting it. The challenge’s founder Arlee Bird had an excellent idea and even he probably never imagined it would get this big! I am excited about participating again, and I think I have finally settled on the theme I want to use this year. I had another theme in mind, but I came up with an idea I liked better earlier this month. I will have to do a little research for a few of those trouble letters, but I think this theme will work well and I will reveal it in March. I am leaving you with a few verses that have helped me this week and I will see again next week with a particularly difficult Question of the Month and the IWSG.

“But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31 (KJV)

“And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.” Galatians 6:9 (KJV)

“I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content…I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” Philippians 4:11b, 13 (KJV)