When Will This Chapter End?

Well, I’m back in that writer’s block mode, and I’ve been here the past few weeks. Maybe it’s not really writer’s block, but a lack of motivation. I just can’t seem to get myself to put words to all the ideas floating around in my head. I guess I need to read my last entry again…So, since it’s been a while since I last posted, I thought I’d share something personal. This is some journaling I did about 2 years ago. It’s funny looking back at things I wrote. Part of me still feels the way I did, longing for a change of pace, but, at the same time, I feel like things have changed since then. The changes are just more gradual and inward instead of major changes in circumstances. Anyway, here it is:

I’ve got to hand it to all the great authors out there. They put words together in such amazing ways. Not only do they create great stories but they also create a mood, a feeling, a sense of adventure. I love the stories that just suck you right in and you just yearn to be there with the characters.  Sometimes reading those books isn’t a good thing for me. It makes my life seem so much more meaningless and purposeless when I know it really isn’t. I know God has some sort of purpose in my life, but the waiting is just killing me. I want something exciting to happen, something magical. I just wish I could have my own adventure, something novel-worthy. Not all the books I’ve read are fantasies with wizards and hobbits; I’ve read some realistic and historical fictions with situations that really could happen. Those stories really make me long for change in my life. Where’s my Mr. Darcy? I wish I could attend an old-fashioned 19^th century ball, why is most of today’s dancing so horrible and sexual? And why do you always have to have a date if you want to dance?

Really, I do just want something different to happen to me, no more than that…something life-changing. Something that makes a major difference in my life that’s good. A change for the better. I just feel like I’m in an in-between place right now and it feels like I’ve been stuck here forever. When I graduated high school this is not the kind of life I pictured myself living at this point. I should be married, I should actually be doing a job that feels meaningful that I enjoy. After last year’s teaching experience, just the idea of going back to an elementary school makes me cringe. I know that it was my first year, and it was a kindergarten class in an inner-city school, but it’s still hard to completely convince myself that things could be different. And as for a husband, I only wish I had a slight hint of who or when, but it just seems so far away. I realize that things can happen fast; that major life-changing events can take place within a short time span. But, that still doesn’t make me feel any better about it right now. Obviously, I still have some kinks to work out and I know what some of them are. I know God wants me to be fully prepared, and I hope I will be and that my husband will also be ready for me. Maybe my story is not a great adventure, maybe it never will be…but it is my story and with God as the author, it will turn out exactly how it is supposed to. I guess I just need to take comfort in that.

Attaining the Prize

            So how many of you made a New Year’s resolution? How many have already broken it? That’s the thing about resolutions, they never stick. We always strive to break a bad habit or change something in our lives but always end up following the same patterns the moment our guard is down. Even this blog is a great example. I wanted to write about the New Year two weeks ago, and kept putting it off for no good reason. I just didn’t feel like writing, so I avoided it. Now it almost feels like the freshness of the New Year has begun to fade away, and my goal-oriented attitude has worn off. So, I need to learn from my own words.

            I must admit that most of this is not entirely original; it’s more of a collaboration of ideas I’ve heard over the past year or so, and I will make reference to the sources (at least those I remember). Let’s start with the ultimate source where all my sources get their information: God’s Word. In 1 Corinthians 9:24 (NIV) it says: “Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.” I also want to use a quote from Karen Kingsbury’s Take Three: “Never be passive. Victories happen when you take charge of a game. You can’t win by playing not to lose.” Doesn’t that make you think? We are not just here to survive through life; we are here to win the race. If we just go through the motions of life, we might just miss out on the prize. In other words, don’t just sit back and expect things to just happen. You may not be able to change your circumstances, but you can change your attitude and actions. “Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air” (1 Cor. 9:26). I can actually identify with the reference to sports. When I play volleyball, I am not very competitive, so when I play with competitive people, I try the best I can to make sure I am not the reason my team loses. I am playing not to lose. The people who play to win actually get deeply involved in the game; they are doing everything they possibly can to win. If you aren’t watching closely, you may not notice this subtle difference between playing not to lose and playing to win. It all comes down to your attitude and the way you approach life’s race.

            Last year my pastor preached about ways to stick to your goals. He used three steps: Purpose (resolve), make a Plan, and Practice. First, in order to win the race, we need to know where the finish line is. “I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 3:14 KJV). As a Christian, my main purpose should be to serve, honor, and obey God. So, when I set goals, I need to make sure they are God’s will for my life. If something I resolve to do would draw me away from church or create a guilty conscience, then it is obviously not a goal God wants me to set. In setting goals, look for areas of your life that you can change, like I already mentioned, you can change your attitude toward life and the actions that you take.

            One of the reasons many of us never keep our resolutions is that we make the resolution and then take action on it, but we skip the middle step. Making a plan for reaching your goals can really help them become much more attainable. If you fail to plan, then you’re planning to fail. Your plan doesn’t have to be elaborate, but it should be deliberate. In other words, you don’t have to be detail-oriented to make a plan, but you should still have some idea of how you are going to get there. It also does help to allow room for flexibility. If something doesn’t go exactly the way you expected, you should have an idea of how you can get back on track. Don’t let the bumps in the road stop you; just get back up, dust yourself off, and keep running.

            The final step is to practice or take action on your planned out goal. Once you know where the finish line is and the map is drawn out, you are ready to run. Don’t look back at your failures, hoping not to fail again. If you just passively go along with the flow without looking toward the finish, then you are only playing not to lose. We must “forget those things which are behind, and reach forth unto those things which are before [us]” (Phil. 3:13b KJV). Having a purpose and a plan in mind really does make it a lot easier to keep going. And that is how you run the race in order to win!

Gotta Love Cats

You know, I never realized this until I did some house-sitting for a lady in my church, but I am a cat person. I always liked cats and dogs and have owned and loved them most of my life, but after spending the night with a couple dogs for two weeks, I realized where my true devotion lies. Don’t get me wrong, I have a Welsh Corgi, Zoe, and I love watching her kick a ball around with her nose or eating a block of ice on a winter day. But when it comes down to the animal I’d rather have at my side for comfort, I choose a cat. Dogs can be so active and dependable. Zoe will keep running that ball back to me as long as I’m still there kicking it for her, or she’ll even kick it around the yard herself to show off. Sometimes that dependability is a good thing, but sometimes they just get in the way, like my mom’s poodle. That dog will get right up under your feet and then have the indecency to yip when you step on her. One of the dogs I took care of would start to bark at me if my attention went somewhere else for too long; she was not going to let me ignore her. Dogs tend to do that a lot, they whine or bark or howl, even within minutes of being left alone. Now cats, on the other hand, are much more independent. They don’t expect you to give them constant attention and may even get angry with you if you give them too much. I’m not really a touchy, feely person, so I don’t really care to sit and pet the animals for too long. I just enjoy the presence of their company.

Lollicat

            Cats can also be a great source of entertainment with their quirky ways. My cat does some pretty strange things. Sometimes, in the morning, she just zooms through the house. If I walk into my room, she gets startled or something and speeds out the door. I’ll find her on the couch and try to approach her, and whoosh, there she goes again, back to my room. She also tends to disappear at times. We’ll look everywhere twice, and all of a sudden she’ll just show up in the kitchen out of nowhere. One time, she was watching a moth in the bathroom very intently. I guess she really wanted to get a hold of that moth because all of a sudden she literally jumped about 3 feet and grabbed hold of the trim on the wall. She just hung there on the wall by her front claws for about 30 seconds, it was quite a sight to see. My cat also likes to sleep in many different positions, but her two favorite seem to be lollicat, like in the picture, and the disappearing limbs position, where all her legs and tail are tucked up under her. Her tail seems to have a mind of its own, so she usually has a paw resting on top of it to keep it still. I’ve heard stories of others who have cats with strange behaviors. My coworker has a big cat that loves to eat marshmallows. I heard about someone who hung his Christmas tree from the ceiling so his Siamese cats couldn’t get to it. One of my favorite stories was from my mentor teacher during my first year of teaching. She said she had just got home from shopping and opened up her trunk to unload groceries. She came back to grab a second load, and found one of her bags split open, with a giant chunk missing from her loaf of bread, and her cat sitting next to it in the trunk. She swears that cat gave her a look of defiance as if it was her fault for not bringing home any treats.

            Cats can be comforting, too. Not my cat, she bites if you pet her anywhere but on her neck. But, my family’s new kitten likes to snuggle up. He just plops right in your lap, almost like a dog, but without the panting and licking. I had a cat in Arizona who was very sweet. She would rub up against me and purr if I was crying, or even when I made a sound like crying. She knew how to make me feel better. For all you dog-lovers, I know dogs can be comforting, too. I do have some great stories of some lovable and very smart dogs; I guess I’ll just have to do another blog about dogs sometime. But, for now, I’ll stick with the kitties :)

            I know this entry is already pretty long, but I thought you might enjoy this Christmas poem that my brother wrote. (By the way, if you would like me to include any writings in my blog, you are welcome to send me a message, or you can add your own thoughts in the comments on here or facebook. It might be fun to share and interact with other people’s writings.) Anyway, here’s the poem:

There’s a kitten in the Christmas tree

and the fire’s going blissfully--------

Snowflakes tickle the roof

I thought I saw the other kitty

But it must have vanished-poof

Probably stole an ornament or two.

Sugar cookies start to brown

Jingle Bells plays with that tingly sound

Flashing lights cast pretty hues

on a manger scene--------------

I tie my shoes

And prepare for snow-outside I go.

Crunch, crunch-the snow sounds great

To build a snowman is my fate

I roll a snowball real fat

and notice icicles hanging down

and I see through the window-that

there’s a kitten in the Christmas tree.

A Life Worth Remembering

            This has been on my mind since my church’s ladies’ retreat back in September. The theme was “A Legacy to Remember” and each of us was asked to name someone who left a legacy in our lives. Almost half of the women present, myself included, named our grandmothers. With Christmas just around the corner, I can think of no better time to celebrate the life of my mother’s mom and remember all those childhood Christmases I spent at Grandma’s house. I was only 12 years old when she died, so I was too young to notice some of her character traits. But, looking back, I can see some of those qualities that make me wish I still had her here today.

Louise Swoboda was a devoted wife. Granddaddy had a stroke before I was born, and it got to the point that Grandma could not handle taking care of him by herself, so she put him in a nursing home. Whenever I came to stay a few weeks over the summer with Grandma, she would go to the nursing home to visit Granddaddy at lunchtime, every single day. I would sit in the floor and play with Polly Pockets or explore the corridors with the nurses. Sometimes she would bake cookies for him and his roommate. I remember one time that my cousin, Susan, and I got into an argument over who would give the cookies to Granddaddy and who got stuck with the stranger. When it came to Thanksgiving or Christmas, Grandma would take Granddaddy home to celebrate with the family. I remember he slept in his old chair most of the day, but now I know that those were probably some of their favorite days, spending time at home together. Granddaddy died in July of 1996, and Grandma died a few months later. She was so devoted to her husband that she didn’t want to live without him.

Louise Swoboda cared about people. She was very giving, not only with gifts, but with her time. I got an extra aunt because my Grandma took her in as an “adopted” daughter. Mary loved Grandma as her own mother because of the care and time that she gave Mary’s family. I have almost as many memories with my “adopted” aunt as I do with my real aunt. I asked my mom about my grandma, and I found out Mary wasn’t the first. Grandma had a heart for teens and young women. She would invite them in her home and provide them with a meal and Godly counsel. I remember getting to know the small town of Globe, Arizona pretty well. Whenever I stayed with her, she would always be visiting someone. She liked to play dominoes with some ladies her age, she visited the homes of her pastor and his wife and their grown children, and she would even visit with and get to know some of the other residents in the nursing home. At home, she kept herself busy with phone calls, writing letters, baking, and caring for grandchildren. And she didn’t keep these traits to herself; she passed them on to those she came in contact with. She taught me and Susan how to decorate Christmas cookies, and more importantly, how to share with others and that giving is much better than receiving.

Louise Swoboda was a faithful servant, and her life is an example of her love for others. She was truly the matriarch who held our family together. Maybe she didn’t do everything perfect, but her love for God allowed her to become a great woman, at least in the eyes of those whose lives she touched. This will be my 15^th Christmas without her, but I hope that her legacy will live on in my life.

With love to Grandma Louise (Ryan) Swoboda, you are and shall continue to be greatly missed. One day we will meet again in Heaven. Thanks for the treasured memories here on Earth.

Let Us Give Thanks

            “Give thanks to the Lord for He is good; His faithful love endures forever.” Psalm 107:1

            What better time to be reminded of thankfulness than right around Thanksgiving?  I started reading a new book at the end of October. It’s called “Preparing to be a Help Meet.” It was supposed to give me tips about attracting men…no, not really, it was about how single woman can serve God and prepare themselves to become wives someday. What I wasn’t ready for was the chapter on gratefulness I read a couple weeks ago. Since it is November, of course I was already surrounded by messages of being thankful for what I have and the blessings God gives. But that chapter pointed something out in way that finally got my full attention. I realized that just stating what you’re thankful for is not true gratefulness. True gratefulness involves taking in all the blessings God has given and thanking Him for what He has done. A few days after reading that, my pastor preached on Thanksgiving. He repeated a phrase he has used before, but I never really took it to heart until then. He basically said that if God never blessed you with anything else beyond your salvation, you still have reason to give thanks to Him. Believe me, God has blessed me with so much since the day I was saved; I probably could not count them all. After that sermon, I thought some more about the message of that chapter. It talked about negative thinking, which I had never equated to ungratefulness before. I figured my negative thoughts were just triggered by depression and the way I was raised. I blamed my family; they were usually pessimistic, so naturally, I would be too. I blamed my circumstances. It seemed everyone in my life was moving on, getting married, having kids, finding fulfilling jobs, etc. Since nothing was happening for me, I had a right to be depressed and self-pitying, or so I thought. God has something else in mind.

            Instead of trying to reword the author, Debi Pearl’s words, I’m just going to quote a section of that chapter I read: “Most women say they can’t help how they feel. This is a lie which will keep you bound to a wretched life…It is not that one woman has a wonderful life and the other has nothing but misery; it is that one sees life through the eyes of thankfulness and the other through a heart of discontentment. A downcast attitude is a dishonor to God and your husband-to-be.” Ouch! I was talking to my friend, Cynthia a couple months ago about this subject. We decided we needed to stop focusing on the negative in our conversations and thoughts. I have not kept up my end of the bargain. I remember one day in church when 2 different people at 2 separate times told me I need to smile, things aren’t that bad. I’m sad to say that that almost made me feel even more sorry for myself. It’s not easy, but a thankful attitude is a choice, not a condition. So, this is a proclamation to my readers that I need to have a more grateful spirit. No more moping around in self-pity. God has done great things for me, and I should be filled with joy and thanksgiving. As Madam Blueberry said: “A thankful heart is a happy heart, I’m glad for what I have, that’s an easy way to start.” When I get into that state of discontent again, I just need to remember to count my blessings. Let’s all take Philippians 4:11 to heart: “…for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.”

Fasten Seatbelts, Please

 “Be still and know that I am God.” Those words from Psalm 46:10 have always made an impact in my life, and most of the time I never realized it. I can’t remember when I first learned that verse, but it has come back to me at many of the toughest points of my life. Over the past few years, the impact of those words and their meaning has impressed itself upon me. It usually happens when I start getting worked up and worried. I over-think everything going on in my life and start asking all those “why,” “how,” and “what if” questions. I finally drive myself to a state of total confusion and frustration, and that’s when God reminds me of His Word. He said, “Be still.” Calm down, breathe, let go of those anxious thoughts. And here’s the best part: “Know that I am God.” No matter what I’m going through, whatever is troubling me, God is there. He knows everything that is going on, and He is in control. Knowing that really does bring me back to a sense of peace and comfort. Here’s another way I look at it: I have no idea how to fly a plane. I could sit in the cockpit and mess with all the buttons and knobs, but I doubt I’d get anywhere without a real pilot in control. Life can be the same way sometimes. It’s better to sit back and enjoy the ride instead of trying to rush to the front of the plane and fly it myself at the first sign of turbulence. I just got to trust that my pilot (God) knows what He’s doing and I could really crash and burn if I try to take matters into my own hands.

            There are times when we become overwhelmed or fed up with the circumstances we’re in and frustration and worry begin to overthrow our emotional state. If we remain in this state of imbalance, where anger or depression rules, we can end up making rash decisions, saying things we don’t mean, or worse, becoming apathetic toward God. I’ve been there, and believe me, it is much better to capture these thoughts before they lead you down the road of depression and self-pity. So, with God’s help, I remind myself of the words He gave us to comfort us and bring us peace in the midst of trials. There are many verses in the Bible that talk about dealing with trials because the authors of those words had trials, fears, and worries just like us. Here are some other verses that have been particularly meaningful to me in times of trouble:

*"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10)

*"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." (Proverbs 3:5-6)

*“Cast all your cares (anxiety) on Him because He cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:7)

*“But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed.” (James 1:6)

*“In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9)

God Bless America!

Since we are coming into November, right between Election Day and Veteran’s Day, I thought this would be a good time to post this poem I wrote a while ago. I would like to dedicate it to the soldiers and veterans who have defended this country and protected the freedoms that we hold so dearly.

Poem for US

Oh say can you see, by the dawn’s early light

Oh Lord, may this country not forget all its night

Night of toils and hardships and sorrows we bared

Oh Lord, may this country not forget how it cared

It cared for the wounded, those that had fought

Oh Lord, may this country not forget what it sought

It sought freedom and liberty and Biblical laws

Oh Lord, may this country not forget all its flaws

Flaws that threaten to break us, to tear us apart

Oh Lord, may this country not forget to take heart

Take heart that you’re with us as long as we fight

For Your truth, the foundations that gave us this right

Oh Lord, may this country not forget there’s a light.

            Over the past few weeks, I have started about 3 or 4 entries; I just haven’t gotten around to finding a good way to end them. So, hopefully, I will get back to my original plan of posting an entry once a week. The ideas are all there, it’s just a matter of putting them into words. Don’t forget our veterans and soldiers this Thursday, November 11! Thank them for the sacrifices they have made and pray for their protection and strength.